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And still

Well, well, well.

What have we here.

I wish I could tell you that everything was fine, but unfortunately...okay, I can still TELL you that, but I'd be lying. And that would kind of be a jerky thing to do.

Beef jerky.


I'm trying out a couple of different things, now, to help me. Emotionally, not physically, because while the nausea and cramping is still there, I've got a month left to go on the trial run of the main med I'm currently on. Oh, and I'm switching doctors and GI specialists, because my current ones are, respectively, useless and disorganized. So that should delay everything for a while. Yay.

No, this is different. I've gone in for two rounds of biofeedback, with a very nice woman and a very comfortable chair, and it has calmed me down, but only for the duration of the time that I'm actually thinking about it. And it's 45 minutes away, so not practical for my schedule. That's gone, then.

I'm looking for someone to talk to. Someone uninvolved, someone whose reactions I won't have to worry about. I'm horrible at opening up to the friends I see every day; for one thing, I've never had something awful enough to need opening up before, and for another, it's always been my preference to deal with my problems on my own. Emotional problems, especially. They're a bit of a new experience for me these past months, especially as things get darker and colder (I HATE being cold, and I always seem to be so, no matter how many shirts I wear- even if I wear long underwear!) and this whole issue continues to be unsolved.

I'm looking for a nutritionist, because I want to know exactly what I can eat, when.  I'm gaining weight around my middle, but more than that I'm seriously concerned about the food that I am eating; I know it's not healthy. White bread, mostly, and sometimes apples or a bit of vegetable. Before all this I had a pretty healthful diet; not to say that I denied myself popcorn or chocolate or cake, but for the main meals I would lean towards whole grains, fruits, things like broccoli. I know, I'm a freak, but I really like raw broccoli and raw spinach.

Now everything I eat becomes a war between it and my stomach, leaving me feeling bloated and awful. I don't have time for this. I need this to get better NOW. For my health, both kinds.

I'm so much more...fragile. I cry far more than I'm used to, and more than I should be. I look at everything that I can't do or eat and, while I know this is poisonous thinking, it discourages me. I should be looking ahead, realizing what I CAN do and be happy, but that's becoming increasingly difficult as time wears on.

The holidays are coming up soon. That will be a real challenge. All that lovely, warm, delicious comfort food that I can't eat. If I were losing the bit of weight that I've gained (oh yeah, that is another thing- I've never, ever, ever worried about my weight before) by this denial, I'd feel a smidgen better, but the opposite is true. Doesn't seem fair.

Doesn't seem right.


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Nov. 12th, 2010 10:42 pm (UTC)
Thank you, once again. And, hoo boy, no way am I letting this get the best of me. I may not feel like it all the time, but if it's hurting me, I'm going to fight it.

The same goes for you on the venting invite. Do feel free. And I'm very grateful to you for listening (er, reading?). :)
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )



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